Book Review on “Divorced. Catholic. Now What?” by Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese

The book cover contains a quote by Dr. Linda Klaitz, a psychologist, author and public speaker, whom describes how the

 “divorced Catholics are a population woefully under-served, misunderstood, and often avoided in our parishes.”

Dr. Klaitz goes on to point out how this book,

“begins with a Catholic basis for coping with toxic, painful emotions following divorce.  The structure is spiritually and psychologically sound. Using Scripture, it directs these suffering men and women from anger and sadness to courage, compassion, forgiveness and hope.”

The authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What?, Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese, help walk the readers through key challenges they will face during the divorce process; such as, anger (towards both the opposing party and possibly even God), resentment, frustration, anxiety, forgiveness and the need for gratitude and hope.  The book also addresses such pertinent subjects, such as, what the Church actually says about divorce, annulments, sex and dating as a divorced Catholic. 

Within each chapter the authors offer up case profiles and glimpses as to how others handled their divorce struggles and what changes they made in order to move themselves past the hurt and pain. For example, in the chapter entitled, “Dealing with your ex-spouse”, they address the important issue of gaining control over the situation and recognizing what you can and cannot control and making the proper choices over what you can control. Knowing as much about yourself, how you react to particular situations, understanding your personal temperament and being familiar with the same information about your ex-spouse, can make a huge difference in bringing control into the situation. Recognizing what you can and cannot control, 

“can become an art: the more you practice it, the better you become and the more naturally it integrates into your personality and temperament.”

 “From there, you can teach yourself better ways to deal with the difficult situations that arise because of your divorce.”   

The chapters are well structured and offer scripture references, and “Now What?” steps to follow after reading each chapter, plus words of meditation, a resolution and lists of further suggested readings.

While the subject matter is centered upon the subject of divorce, there our suggestions and helpful tips within this book which can actually be used by anyone facing a challenging situation of any kind not just a divorce.  At some point in time, no matter what your station is in life, you will probably face issues of anger, frustration, and confrontations of some kind.  The authors of “Divorced. Catholic. Now What?” offer helpful, theological advice on how to handle those challenging situations whether or not you are dealing with an actual divorce.

This book is available on Amazon. Additionally, I am referring only this particular book which was Copyrighted in 2007 by Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese and published by Journey of Hope Productions.  Furthermore, Lisa Duffy has a website located at divorcedcatholic.com which might be of further assistance for some of our patrons. This reviewer has no official association with Ms. Duffy nor with Journey of Hope Productions.  I am only offering this book review as an assistance to the patrons of our website and encouraging them to further investigation the subject matter for their own growth and education.    

Say “Aloha” - summer is a good time to take a real or imagined break in the action

With summer in full swing one cannot help but envision being on a tropical island somewhere.  Feel yourself drenched in bright, warm, sunlight; feel the hot sand beneath your feet; feel the cool breeze as it sweeps over the ocean; hear the waves as they crash and recede in front of you; taste the tall, cool, drink in your hand; and watch the kids in the distance as they meticulously dig and mold their sand castles.  Make sure you take time this summer to take in all the wonderful sensations of a trip to the beach.  If you can’t travel to an actual beach, try visiting a local watering hole such as Folsom Lake or Lake Tahoe.  If that’s not possible, take a quiet afternoon to stretch out on the couch with a favorite paperback, turn on a c.d. playing waves or Hawaiian music, turn on an electric fan for effect and don’t forget the “tall, cool one” in hand.  Aloha

(Below are pictures from our office tablescape for summer. Feel free to stop by and say "Aloha". )

Quick tips regarding dress and attitude for a court appearance.

NO!

YES!

                 

Have you been instructed to show up for a court appearance? Here are some basic tips to follow: in consideration of both the importance of the event and its’ potential outcome upon your case we suggest you basically dress conservatively and/or wear what they call business casual.  If you are tempted to dress the same way you would for performing yard work or going to the mall don’t!  However, if all you own are blue jeans, then at least make sure they are clean, without wholes, and the shirt is without obvious stains.  Neither do you want to “dress to the nines” (i.e. wearing expensive clothes and jewelry) especially if you are going to be asking for support of any kind. Additionally, if you want people to pay attention to what you are saying, do not have your clothes appear to scream “look at me”.  Also be cautious as to how much skin is showing via a low cut neck line or a bare midriff. 

What’s even more important than your dress is your attitude.  Our country gives you the right and privilege to be present in Court proceedings, and you should acknowledge this as a privilege by being on time, paying attention while in front of the Judge and being respectful.  We suggest you are not only respectful to all Court staff but even to the Opposing Party. This could be your one shot to have your side of the story heard, don’t blow it by allowing your dress or attitude over take your message. Lastly, do not talk over the other side or interrupt, the Judge can only hear from one party at a time, he will appreciate your help in maintaining an orderly courtroom.

If the Parties have agreed to a change in the visitation agreement, get in writing.

 

What happens if you and the Opposing Party want to make a change to your current visitation agreement, be it a temporary or permanent one?  If you both agree to the change, then we strongly recommend the change be documented in writing.  Make the new wording as specific as possible. Furthermore, we recommend that both parents sign and date the agreement, and each walk away with a duplicate original. This process, although cumbersome, will ultimately save you time, money and emotional grief down the road. 

Visitation Schedule and Journal, why are they important?

 

Whether the split between the Parties is brand new or has been ongoing, there must be a Visitation Schedule.  A Visitation Schedule helps both the Parties and the child(ren).  It tells them the date, time and location of where visitations are to take place; without such a schedule, it's a sure fire guarantee that conflicts will take place.  Whether you have officially filed for a Divorce (or Legal Separation) or not, preparing a Visitation Schedule is a must.  However, if the Parties are in a position where communication is either poor or non-existent then immediate court involvement will be necessary just to get a Visitation Schedule up and going. Barring that extreme circumstance, you can and should establish a Visitation Schedule as soon as possible.

          A Visitation Schedule should take into consideration all Parties’ schedules (work, travel time, etc.) including the children’s weekly activities (school, sports, after school activities, doctor appointments, medication protocols, etc.).  Don’t forget to add in school and public holidays.  You may even want to help the child(ren) prepare their own schedules/calendars in order to help them keep track as to where and when they are to be engaged in family activities. There are some electronic calendars available on the internet, either for free or at a cost, to help set up electronic calendars (here are two examples: www.sharekids.com or www.parentingtime.net ).

If you are the one with primary physical custody, you may initially be tempted to withhold visitations from the Opposing Party; if for no other reason than you don’t know what to expect due to the separation. However, I would caution you not to do so, remember, the child(ren) are also feeling very uncertain about their current circumstances, so now is not the time to cut off contact; even though communication may be a challenge for you right now.  Please keep in mind my above statement is made barring any evidence of physical or verbal abuse being presented by the Opposing Party. Additionally, it is true that the amount of visitation time spent with the children will have an impact upon the support issues, however, barring any evidence of abuse, support issues should take a back seat to the “best interest” of the child(ren)’s need for contact with both Parents. Most Judges and therapists view frequent involvement between both Parties and their child(ren) as being in the “best interest” of the child(ren). 

 

Ok, so let’s say I have sold you on the need for a Visitation Schedule, but now I am going to propose that you keep a Visitation Journal, which will involve even more work; why, you may ask?  Well, besides keeping track of the dates and times of the actual visitation, you may soon find that the schedule does not always go according to plan.  The purpose of the journal is to provide an unofficial record of the visitations, of what actually took place not just what was on the schedule.  This can be especially helpful when there are problems with the visitations.  Your journal entries regarding the visitations can be used to back up what has or has not been taking place regarding the visitation schedule.  What problems might we be talking about you may ask?  Some examples would be the following: Does the opposing party frequently show up late for visitations or not all? What reasons are given for the “no show” or late arrival? What was the Children’s response to a “no show”?  Do you find out that your child was not given scheduled medication during the visitation?  Does the Opposing Parent instruct you to pick up the children after school but when you show up and they are nowhere to be found?  Do exchange times turn into verbal tug-a-wars and police end up being called? (If police or sheriff were involved remember to provide the basic information of "who-what-where-when" and the names of people who were involved, especially the names of any Officers and/or agencies.)  This is where we would strongly suggest that you not only maintain a Visitation Journal, but that it be kept in an electronic form so that you might provide this information to your attorney or so it can be printed up and used as reference when you are going to attend mediation, counseling or court. Lastly, keep in mind both the Visitation Schedule and the Journal are only as good as the information contained within it and how diligently it is maintained.

A new tradition for “We the People” on this upcoming 4th of July

        “We the People” take time out of from our busy schedules to: attend community parades, fire up the bar-b-que, meet with family and friends, play games, and watch fireworks.  However, let us, “We the People” not lose sight of the main reason for our 4^th of July celebration which is our Freedom.  Our founding fathers struggled to develop this Freedom through our Declaration of Independence.  Men and Women have shed blood and treasure for this Freedom.  While in some communities it maybe a tradition to read the Declaration of Independence on the 4^th of July, it would also make a great individual family tradition.  Each family performing an oral reading of our Declaration of Independence, as both a reminder of our Freedom and a way of deepening our understanding of where “We the People” get our Freedom from; will you join us in this new tradition?  

(Below are pictures of our office 4th of July tablescape.)

 

 

 

Book Review of An Unexpected Journey: The Road to Power and Wisdom in Divorced Co-Parenting by Alisa Jaffe Holleron

 

To be honest with you the first thing which caught my attention regarding this book was that it was small and thin; only 67 pages in length.  I too can feel overwhelmed by my own “To Do List”, so the small, thin book gave me the impression that I could get through it quickly.  Overall, I found the book readable and to the point.  Additionally, I found the layout of the book helpful and easy to follow along.  

           Ms. Holleron starts by pointing out, a Divorce which “involves children stirs up our deepest feelings about security, family and self-worth. When our sense of security, our relationship with our children or our self-worth is threatened in some way, we become emotionally reactive.  When we are in an emotionally reactive state of mind, when we are angry, frustrated, fearful, anxious or resentful – or all of the above – we are unable to be rational and logical.”  She then points out how the word “co-parenting…implies that the two people in the relationship should be able to parent together” which many times just is not the case.  Furthermore, Ms. Holleron points out while you may or may not have the co-operation of the other parent, you can always focus of your own emotional reactivity and thus develop your own power and wisdom to improve your situation and that of your children. “Power is more about being in control of ourselves than being in control of others.” 

Through her book, Ms. Holleron provides real life examples as and for guidance.  Her book can also be used as a journal posing questions of the reader and encouraging them to contemplate answers to her probing questions.  From a family law perspective, I found Chapter 3, “Is What I Believe Really True”, the most insightful.  Ms. Holleron goes through eight (8) common errors, or erroneous ideas, held by parents in difficult co-parenting situations which can directly affect the children. Errors such as “talking negatively about the other parent is OK because kids need to know the truth” or how the bad mood exhibited by the children after their return from visitation, must be because they are unhappy at the other home or due to the ex-parents lack of parenting ability.  If one takes to heart only this one chapter, and follows its guidance, then I believe you will feel more empowered regarding your own situation and you maybe even experience an overall lower legal bill due to less courtroom battles and drama.  

           Additionally, Ms. Holleron walks the reader through facing their own fears, discovering what they can and cannot control, handling grief, cultivating compassion and gratitude, and watching out how patterns and styles of behavior may cause a dynamic regarding negative emotions which will rise up from their own “default” mode. Once being acknowledged as their “default” mode, then it can be properly be addressed and worked through.

It is my hope that this book review provides enough of a “taste” of Ms. Holleron’s book that one will be encouraged to actually check her book out.  The book is available on Amazon.  I do need to point out that this reviewer has only reviewed the book as entitled above and no other writings or classes by the author, as such, this information is being offered only as an assistance to the reader.  Additionally, I am referring only to this particular book which was Copyrighted in 2012 by Alisa Jaffe Holleron and published by Live Oak Publishing.  Lastly, I note that Ms. Holleron is a Clinical Social Worker/Therapist working at Live Oak Center for Psychotherapy and Education in El Dorado Hills, California.  According to Ms. Holleron’s website she does offer both an eight week class and/or a weekend format, regarding her co-parenting instruction; however, I have not been involved in, nor have I attended any of her classes, thus, I am only offering this book review as an assistance to our patrons of our website and encouraging them to further investigation the subject matter for their own growth and education.