Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Part One of Social Media and the Parent/Child Relationship




 
 
Here at the Law Offices of George A. Martinez we are starting a series regarding Social Media and the Parent/Child relationship. What follows is Part One of the series.
 
On 09/06/14, I had a special opportunity to attend a parenting class regarding Social Media at St. Joseph Marello Parish in Granite Bay, California.  The hostesses of the event were Joanna Jullien, Foundation Founder of Banana Moments and Ms. Maylynn Whatley. It was a very informative morning and I wanted to share some of its highlights. 

My main take away from the morning was 1) the parent and the child(ren) are not going to be able to avoid social media interaction; 2) social media offers both great positives and grave negatives; 3) the key element to the survival of both the parent and the child(ren) is to develop a strong trusting, loving relationship between the two of them; and 4) the parents should set up age appropriate ground rules and enforce the consequences for any rule violations.

According to Ms. Jullien, the parent’s need to “consider internet access and smart phones as a rite of passage- not a right”.  Developing and following age appropriate ground rules will allow the child to learn how to use the cyber tools properly and to also allow for the maturing of the child, over time, in the usage of said tools.

Out in the cyber world, there are lots of voices clamoring for the attention of the child, and the parents need to make sure that it is their fundamental values which the child hears and responds to, not the values of the cyber world. 

Remember, children are swimming in a virtual world and while in this world they are seeking authenticity; or as Ms. Jullien puts it, “genuine authority”. They, the child(ren), really want the parent to inform them and instructed them regarding the truth; but they want it done in a loving manner.  While they don’t want to be lectured, they do want guidance as to why something is good or not good for them.

The children need to be good citizens in the virtual realm, just as they need to be in the physical realm. They need to understand there is a cross over between the physical and virtual realm.  What they do in the virtual realm will affect them in their physical realm, and vice versa. For example, a thoughtless picture or rude comment sent out by the child will go out into the cyber world and like hot, butter melting on to popcorn the picture, or comment, will suddenly “pop up”.   The child may then be hit with the harsh reality of that picture, or comment, which they are now powerless to take back or delete. They will now discover the consequence of the picture or comment.  They will find out that this can happened in both the cyber and physical world, however, in the cyber world the “melting butter” effect can prove to have deeper and longer lasting effects. The parent may or may not be able to prevent this “pop up” from happening, however, they need to be prepared to respond to the child with love, gentleness and guidance.  The parent will need to work with the child regarding how to make amends for the action(s) of the child and prevent future missteps.  

For the parents whom have older children, or those with teenagers, whom have already been out in the cyber world without their (the parents) guidance, they calmed their fears that it was not too late.  They instructed them to just get started with the conversation.  First find out where the child is in the process and then build from there.  The key here is to development a strong relationship between the child and parent.  Of course, if there has been little communication between the two of them regarding social media and core family values, then more time and effort will be needed; just know that it will be well worth the effort. They also pointed out that if you don’t know much about how to use social media then turn to your own child as a source of information.  It will not only become your starting point for learning about social media, but it will also become a way of developing a deeper child/parent relationship. For at some point, the parent will start learning more about the child’s likes, dislikes, interests, hopes and dreams which can only strengthen the relationship between the two of you.  

They also instructed the parents to be a digital role model for your child(ren); meaning don’t do things you would not want your child to do.  For just as you might be watching out for how your child interacts on the internet, so too is it possible that the child is watching how you interact. Given the fact that many of our readers our separated parents this might be a good spot to remind or readers of the sacred old adage “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, especially in the case of separated parents.  If you are speaking negatively about your “ex” on social media, stop and think about how that might affect your child(ren).  What at the chances the child might see those comments via social media, and more importantly, what if your “ex” is doing the same thing against you?  Basically, airing your family difficulties in social media can have not only negative effects on you but also on your children.  If you feel the need to let off steam about the opposing party it would be much better to talk about it with a close friend (in person) or to a counselor, rather than broadcasting it across cyber space so that friends, co-workers and family (especially the children) hear all the details. Additionally, I would strongly encourage you to have a discussion with the other parent about the issue of social media and your child(ren); if the communications between the two of you are good enough. This discussion will be just as important as discussions regarding how and when the kids should be picked up from school and when the next basketball practice is. If you cannot reach an agreement with the Opposing Party about what type of apps are appropriate for your child(ren) or upon the “rules on the house” regarding technology and devices within the separate households, then all you can do is make sure your child(ren) is instructed as to what your values are and continue to work on developing the best communication you can with your child(ren).  You want to develop a relationship with them where they feel comfortable in coming to you with problems, questions or concerns.    

I recognize this is a very general discussion regarding the subject matter of social media and parenting, however, that is why I am breaking down this topic into a series of posts. Our next post will get more into the setting up of age appropriate ground rules for the family.

In the meantime, for other reference information on this subject and other topics, here is the contact information for Joanna Jullien of Banana Moments Foundation:

           Web: http://www.bananamoments.com
            Twitter@CyberParenting
           Facebook: Banana Moments
           Linked in: Joanna Jullien

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